Tag: nba

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Popovich Blames Loss to Hornets on Celebratory Room-Temp Tap Water Drinking Ritual After Warriors W

CHARLOTTE, NC—After a victory against the league-leading Golden State Warriors at home Saturday, the San Antonio Spurs were surprised in an upset loss to the Charlotte Hornets, who overcame a 21-point first quarter deficit, led by guard Jeremy Lin’s 29 points. The Hornets game had “trap” written all over it, after the Spurs completed a five-game home stand that saw them record a series of solid … Continue reading Popovich Blames Loss to Hornets on Celebratory Room-Temp Tap Water Drinking Ritual After Warriors W

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League’s Courtside Photographers: Please Stop Running Into Us

NEW YORK—Citing that they’re holding very expensive equipment and only trying to help make the league more popular, courtside photographers issued a statement asking NBA players to stop running into them all the time. “We understand that you’re in the game and moving very fast,” the press release stated. “But you’re also world-class athletes. Could you just try a little harder? Or at least apologize … Continue reading League’s Courtside Photographers: Please Stop Running Into Us

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Rumors

Kristaps Porzingis a Huge Disappointment to People Who Wanted Him to be a Disappointment

NEW YORK—Taking time away from yelling at a falafel cart vendor, James “Sully” Sullivan, says he has never been more disappointed in a Knicks prospect than he is with Knicks rookie Kristaps Porzingis. “I was right there, ready to boo him with all the rest of you,” the New York native grumbled. “I was much happier when I was pissed off at Carmelo for jacking … Continue reading Kristaps Porzingis a Huge Disappointment to People Who Wanted Him to be a Disappointment

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Suns Bench Tyson Chandler, Replace Him With Bag of Tyson’s Anytizers Popcorn Chicken

PHOENIX, AZ—In what became another great loss in the Suns’ “Stink for Simmons” campaign, the Suns coaching staff sat former Defensive Player of the Year Tyson Chandler. He was benched in favor of a semi-thawed bag of Tyson’s Any’tizers Popcorn Chicken. “We just felt we needed to make a change,” GM Ryan McDonough said, tossing a piece of the tender, all-white, boneless chicken in his … Continue reading Suns Bench Tyson Chandler, Replace Him With Bag of Tyson’s Anytizers Popcorn Chicken

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Hopeful Viewer Tunes in to 1st NBA Game Since Beating NBA Jam TE 1995

LINCOLN, NE – Information technology assistant and video game enthusiast, Steven Nelsen has been making strides with his achievable New Year’s resolution of setting down the keyboard and controller and experiencing the real world around him. “Let’s try basketball, I’m excellent at basketball,” Nelsen smiled coyly at Pine Jockeys reporters while changing his television input setting from component to TV for the first time in … Continue reading Hopeful Viewer Tunes in to 1st NBA Game Since Beating NBA Jam TE 1995

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Rumors

BREAKING: Kyrie Irving Contracts Bed Bugs While Asleep on Defense

OKLAHOMA CITY—Tuesday morning, Kyrie Irving told reporters the “flu-like symptoms” that kept him out of Monday’s match-up with the Thunder were instead caused by bed bugs. Irving claims his bout with the blood sucking critters happened at the “frickin’ Hilton.” Exclusive inside sources tell Pine Jockeys that the point guard actually contracted the bed bugs the previous Thursday in Cleveland while snoozing on defense. The … Continue reading BREAKING: Kyrie Irving Contracts Bed Bugs While Asleep on Defense

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