Local Warlock Group Proposes Washington Wizards Name Change Citing Prejudice
Washington, DC – “Vie dans des ancêtres, renforcer noblesse. Comme des ancêtres, de coeur noblesse. Décider on de ancêtres, garder noblesse.” Smith Johnson looks to his coven. “The spell has been completed. We may now continue the interview.” Johnson and his party state that they have successfully opened a window of communication with their ancestors, who are furious about the offensive nature behind the Washington … Continue reading Local Warlock Group Proposes Washington Wizards Name Change Citing Prejudice
Golden State to Miss Playoffs After NBA Remembers Rule Against Moving Screens
Lacking an Outside Shot Or Ability to Lure Free Agents, Dwyane Wade Gets a Tattoo of an Arm on His Arm
After a career without developing an outside shot, Dwyane Wade’s failing knees, faltering quickness, and newfound inability to draw more talented basketball players to Miami seemed to spell the end of the Heat guard’s storied career. But that career just got a shot in the arm. A series of shots in the arm, in fact. Wade’s new tattoo of what looks like a center or … Continue reading Lacking an Outside Shot Or Ability to Lure Free Agents, Dwyane Wade Gets a Tattoo of an Arm on His Arm
Orlando Magic Issue Statement Confirming They Still Exist, Are a Basketball Team
It’s the story no one is talking about: The Orlando Magic are still a basketball team, and their front office wants the world to know, calling a press conference Monday that is imagined to have been very scarcely attended. While Golden State was opening the season with an historic win streak, the San Antonio media often reported that “no one was talking about the Spurs, … Continue reading Orlando Magic Issue Statement Confirming They Still Exist, Are a Basketball Team
Terminally Ill Millennial Wanted Aaron Gordon to Dunk From Three Point Line, Dies Unimpressed
JACKSONVILLE, FL- “The player just didn’t hustle,” said the still grieving parents of 15 year old Bimmy Holstat, who peacefully passed away in a hospital bed after Wednesday’’s game. “Bim didn’t ask him to dunk from the free throw line. That is not impressive.” Todd Holstat tells Pine Jockeys that Bimmy really started developing hope after commenting on one of Gordon’s Youtube videos. “Someone had … Continue reading Terminally Ill Millennial Wanted Aaron Gordon to Dunk From Three Point Line, Dies Unimpressed
A Tearful Tim Duncan Shoots Boban Marjanovic After Boban Accidentally Hugs Patty Mills to Death
Only the topmost seats of the AT&T Center were lit now. The shadows on the court blue and soft. From the distance came the sound of men shouting to one another. Tim Duncan turned his head to the shouts. Boban said, “Timmy.” “Yeah.” “Ain’t ya gonna give me hell?” “Give ya hell?” “Sure, like you always done before. Like, If I di’n’t have you, I’d … Continue reading A Tearful Tim Duncan Shoots Boban Marjanovic After Boban Accidentally Hugs Patty Mills to Death
Derrick Rose Stops Using Left-Hand, Citing Desire to Someday Play the Clarinet
Donald Trump Vows to Make Knicks Great Again
On the heels of another super Tuesday victory, The Donald made a shocking claim. “As president of the United States, the first thing I will do is buy the New York Knicks and make them great again.” Continue reading “Donald Trump Vows to Make Knicks Great Again”
Who Wore it Better?—Blazer of the Month
Spotted at the free throw line Sunday night at the Bankers Life Fieldhouse, Meyers Leonard, forward-center of the Portland Trailblazers, was wearing the road blacks. Continue reading “Who Wore it Better?—Blazer of the Month”
Popovich Blames Loss to Hornets on Celebratory Room-Temp Tap Water Drinking Ritual After Warriors W
CHARLOTTE, NC—After a victory against the league-leading Golden State Warriors at home Saturday, the San Antonio Spurs were surprised in an upset loss to the Charlotte Hornets, who overcame a 21-point first quarter deficit, led by guard Jeremy Lin’s 29 points. The Hornets game had “trap” written all over it, after the Spurs completed a five-game home stand that saw them record a series of solid … Continue reading Popovich Blames Loss to Hornets on Celebratory Room-Temp Tap Water Drinking Ritual After Warriors W
Pine Jockeys 