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Suns Bench Tyson Chandler, Replace Him With Bag of Tyson’s Anytizers Popcorn Chicken

PHOENIX, AZ—In what became another great loss in the Suns’ “Stink for Simmons” campaign, the Suns coaching staff sat former Defensive Player of the Year Tyson Chandler. He was benched in favor of a semi-thawed bag of Tyson’s Any’tizers Popcorn Chicken. “We just felt we needed to make a change,” GM Ryan McDonough said, tossing a piece of the tender, all-white, boneless chicken in his … Continue reading Suns Bench Tyson Chandler, Replace Him With Bag of Tyson’s Anytizers Popcorn Chicken

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Hopeful Viewer Tunes in to 1st NBA Game Since Beating NBA Jam TE 1995

LINCOLN, NE – Information technology assistant and video game enthusiast, Steven Nelsen has been making strides with his achievable New Year’s resolution of setting down the keyboard and controller and experiencing the real world around him. “Let’s try basketball, I’m excellent at basketball,” Nelsen smiled coyly at Pine Jockeys reporters while changing his television input setting from component to TV for the first time in … Continue reading Hopeful Viewer Tunes in to 1st NBA Game Since Beating NBA Jam TE 1995

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Stan Van Gundy Fires Stan Van Gundy in Surprise Mid­season Move

DETROIT—After the Detroit Pistons head coach Stan Van Gundy made comments regarding the firing of former Cleveland Cavaliers’ head coach David Blatt, the general manager of the Pistons, Stan Van Gundy, was apparently not pleased with Van Gundy’s loyalty. “In my experience, it’s best for the head coach to focus on his coaching duty, and not worry about what goes on in the GM’s office,” Van Gundy stated … Continue reading Stan Van Gundy Fires Stan Van Gundy in Surprise Mid­season Move

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47-Year-Old History Teacher Wins NBA 3-Point Contest

TORONTO–After the NBA All-Star Weekend Three-Point Contest, Tom McGuire stood before the press corps. He was stark naked except for the smile on his face. His nude body was a monument to years of neglect. His outside shot, however, was not. Mcguire scored 27 of a possible 30 points in the shootout, tying Steph Curry’s 2015 record. “I like to think I have a lot … Continue reading 47-Year-Old History Teacher Wins NBA 3-Point Contest

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Local Racist Furious About Lack of White All-Stars

SALT LAKE CITY, UT – Area software developer, and casual racist, Sam Brown is pleading his case about the lack to diversity in the 2016 NBA All-Star game. Brown, a man who has met as many as eight black people in his entire life, believes that “PC culture” is unfairly holding back white NBA players. “This is affirmative action gone mad,” the father of two … Continue reading Local Racist Furious About Lack of White All-Stars

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Asian Moms Come out Against Jeremy Lin’s New Hair

CHARLOTTE, NC —Charlotte Hornets guard Jeremy Lin has had a surprisingly successful season, following what some would call an uneven NBA career since leaving the Knicks and “Linsanity” behind. The 27-year-old Harvard graduate said during preseason that his main focus was to improve his shooting and is currently averaging 3.7 3-point attempts each game—the peak of his career—and is shooting 36 percent from long range. … Continue reading Asian Moms Come out Against Jeremy Lin’s New Hair

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