NBA Southwest Division Preview

Dallas Mavericks

Last season result: Sacrificed at the altar of Russ and Kevin’s last run

Prediction for this season: We watch Dirk hobble along with a mixture of love and pity like he’s one of those old golden retrievers whose face has gone completely white.

What to watch: Harrison “Couldn’t Hit the Broad Sides of Any” Barnes is being paid max money and shot 27 percent from the floor in preseason.

Houston Rockets

Last season result: Their coach got fired eleven games into the season, they went .500, and they broke the notorious Dwight Howard curse by a mixture of free agency and witchcraft.

Prediction for this season: At least once per game Mike D’Antoni is reminded that James Harden is not Steve Nash.

What to watch: You remember that high school where the team played four-on-five on defense, left some kid by the other team’s basket, and he scored, like 100 points? That every night.

Memphis Grizzlies

Last season result: “Grit and Grind” evolved “Break and Bench” as everyone got injured.

Prediction for this season: Even though they set the record for “most players used in a season” last year, it seems like they could build on their success and break that record like a bone in Marc Gasol’s foot.

What to watch: Watch where you step; they’re using the floor for triage.

New Orleans Pelicans

Last season result: Not the worst thing that New Orleans has been through

Prediction for this season: Not the best thing that New Orleans goes through

What to watch: The team try to engineer a three-way nickname trade with Utah and Toronto, creating the New Orleans Jazz (which would make sense), the Utah Raptors (which is badass) and the Toronto Pelicans (who gives a shit?).