Washington, DC – “Vie dans des ancêtres, renforcer noblesse. Comme des ancêtres, de coeur noblesse. Décider on de ancêtres, garder noblesse.” Smith Johnson looks to his coven. “The spell has been completed. We may now continue the interview.”

Johnson and his party state that they have successfully opened a window of communication with their ancestors, who are furious about the offensive nature behind the Washington Wizards’ team name. “Even the logo is a disgrace. They mock the North Star. The same star that we, in the magical world, summon all our energy from. And to place a graphic of a basketball around it? This is just a slap in the face to the WW7LDM [Warlock, Witch, Seventh Level Dungeon] community.” Smith shouts, “Don’t get me started on whatever the hell that weird blue mascot is doing to our image. Recruitment is in the toilet, and we will not put down our spell books until we see justice!”

A poll conducted last year found that a large majority of Americans don’t believe the Wizards’ name is offensive, nor do they think it should be changed. 73 percent favor keeping the nickname — but that’s down from 91 percent when the question was first asked during the 1997 name change. It also found that 68 percent of people responding think the nickname is not disrespectful of members in the ancestral magic community, compared to just 9 percent who say it is ‘a lot’ disrespectful.

Johnson claims the survey had severe bias problems. “Of course the survey says that. They only surveyed the mortal realm. The voices of those in the second, third, and fourth realms are erased by this kind of rigged survey.” A Gallup spokesperson said they sent the surveys to the dead and damned, per Johnson’s request, but have yet to receive any responses.