Month: April 2016

Rumors

Beyhive mistakes Brandon Roy for Rachel Roy, after confusing Rachel Ray for Rachel Roy

In the wake of Beyoncé’s Lemonade audio-visual tribute to women, her internet followers, the Beyhive, are out for blood. After the Beyhive erroneously swarmed Rachel Ray as Jay Z’s potential mistress, the squad was back at it again Thursday afternoon. Rachel Roy, blessed with a common name evaded the attention of the Queen B’s internet phalanx once again, but Brandon Roy was not so lucky. Continue reading “Beyhive mistakes Brandon Roy for Rachel Roy, after confusing Rachel Ray for Rachel Roy”

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Celtics, Fans Relieved That It’s Over, It’s Finally Over

As the Atlanta Hawks pulled away after halftime Thursday night, a palpable sense of relief spread through TD Garden. The unwatchable playoff nightmare for the beloved home team was coming to a close. “This team gave it…” started Boston Celtics fan Trisha McDunan, before hesitating and continuing “this team gave it—not good try, but a try. But I hope it wasn’t their best try because, … Continue reading Celtics, Fans Relieved That It’s Over, It’s Finally Over

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Kawhi Leonard Reveals He Traded His Emotions for Defensive Prowess

While accepting his second consecutive Defensive Player of the Year award, San Antonio Spurs forward Kawhi Leonard revealed that he traded his ability to feel emotions in order to gain the impeccable footwork, long arms, immense hands and uncanny ability to read opposing players’ body language that earned the 24-year-old 547 points and 84 first-place votes for DPOY from the voting panel of 130 sportswriters … Continue reading Kawhi Leonard Reveals He Traded His Emotions for Defensive Prowess

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Rumors

Local Warlock Group Proposes Washington Wizards Name Change Citing Prejudice

Washington, DC – “Vie dans des ancêtres, renforcer noblesse. Comme des ancêtres, de coeur noblesse. Décider on de ancêtres, garder noblesse.” Smith Johnson looks to his coven. “The spell has been completed. We may now continue the interview.” Johnson and his party state that they have successfully opened a window of communication with their ancestors, who are furious about the offensive nature behind the Washington … Continue reading Local Warlock Group Proposes Washington Wizards Name Change Citing Prejudice

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Lacking an Outside Shot Or Ability to Lure Free Agents, Dwyane Wade Gets a Tattoo of an Arm on His Arm

After a career without developing an outside shot, Dwyane Wade’s failing knees, faltering quickness, and newfound inability to draw more talented basketball players to Miami seemed to spell the end of the Heat guard’s storied career. But that career just got a shot in the arm. A series of shots in the arm, in fact. Wade’s new tattoo of what looks like a center or … Continue reading Lacking an Outside Shot Or Ability to Lure Free Agents, Dwyane Wade Gets a Tattoo of an Arm on His Arm

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Orlando Magic Issue Statement Confirming They Still Exist, Are a Basketball Team

It’s the story no one is talking about: The Orlando Magic are still a basketball team, and their front office wants the world to know, calling a press conference Monday that is imagined to have been very scarcely attended. While Golden State was opening the season with an historic win streak, the San Antonio media often reported that “no one was talking about the Spurs, … Continue reading Orlando Magic Issue Statement Confirming They Still Exist, Are a Basketball Team

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Uncategorized

Terminally Ill Millennial Wanted Aaron Gordon to Dunk From Three Point Line, Dies Unimpressed

JACKSONVILLE, FL- “The player just didn’t hustle,” said the still grieving parents of 15 year old Bimmy Holstat, who peacefully passed away in a hospital bed after Wednesday’’s game. “Bim didn’t ask him to dunk from the free throw line. That is not impressive.” Todd Holstat tells Pine Jockeys that Bimmy really started developing hope after commenting on one of Gordon’s Youtube videos. “Someone had … Continue reading Terminally Ill Millennial Wanted Aaron Gordon to Dunk From Three Point Line, Dies Unimpressed

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