PHOENIX, AZ—In what became another great loss in the Suns’ “Stink for Simmons” campaign, the Suns coaching staff sat former Defensive Player of the Year Tyson Chandler. He was benched in favor of a semi-thawed bag of Tyson’s Any’tizers Popcorn Chicken. “We just felt we needed to make a change,” GM Ryan McDonough said, tossing a piece of the tender, all-white, boneless chicken in his mouth. “I mean, we’re getting the same amount of production out of Chicky Ty-Ty that we got out of Chandler. Plus this moist, succulent chicken is a great after game snack for our guys.” McDonough then scooped a whole mess of barbecue sauce on a pop, “It’s fucking filled with protein.”

Chandler couldn’t be reached for comment.