OKLAHOMA CITY—Tuesday morning, Kyrie Irving told reporters the “flu-like symptoms” that kept him out of Monday’s match-up with the Thunder were instead caused by bed bugs. Irving claims his bout with the blood sucking critters happened at the “frickin’ Hilton.” Exclusive inside sources tell Pine Jockeys that the point guard actually contracted the bed bugs the previous Thursday in Cleveland while snoozing on defense. The Chicago Bulls’ Derrick Rose torched Irving for 28 points on 11 for 19 shooting, while Iriving tossed and turned in a restless slumber, scratching at the fresh bug bites. The infestation was so bad that on several occasions, the 4th year player was startled awake to itching, swelling, and the oft-injured Rose blowing by him to the hoop.  

Sources inside the Cavaliers claim that the infestation may have started after Matthew Dellavedova missed his daily delousing. “He’s the dirtiest player in the NBA by more than one metric.” This marks the third time this season that the Quicken Loans Arena has been closed for bug bombing.