Month: February 2016

News

Suns Bench Tyson Chandler, Replace Him With Bag of Tyson’s Anytizers Popcorn Chicken

PHOENIX, AZ—In what became another great loss in the Suns’ “Stink for Simmons” campaign, the Suns coaching staff sat former Defensive Player of the Year Tyson Chandler. He was benched in favor of a semi-thawed bag of Tyson’s Any’tizers Popcorn Chicken. “We just felt we needed to make a change,” GM Ryan McDonough said, tossing a piece of the tender, all-white, boneless chicken in his … Continue reading Suns Bench Tyson Chandler, Replace Him With Bag of Tyson’s Anytizers Popcorn Chicken

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News

Hopeful Viewer Tunes in to 1st NBA Game Since Beating NBA Jam TE 1995

LINCOLN, NE – Information technology assistant and video game enthusiast, Steven Nelsen has been making strides with his achievable New Year’s resolution of setting down the keyboard and controller and experiencing the real world around him. “Let’s try basketball, I’m excellent at basketball,” Nelsen smiled coyly at Pine Jockeys reporters while changing his television input setting from component to TV for the first time in … Continue reading Hopeful Viewer Tunes in to 1st NBA Game Since Beating NBA Jam TE 1995

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Rumors

BREAKING: Kyrie Irving Contracts Bed Bugs While Asleep on Defense

OKLAHOMA CITY—Tuesday morning, Kyrie Irving told reporters the “flu-like symptoms” that kept him out of Monday’s match-up with the Thunder were instead caused by bed bugs. Irving claims his bout with the blood sucking critters happened at the “frickin’ Hilton.” Exclusive inside sources tell Pine Jockeys that the point guard actually contracted the bed bugs the previous Thursday in Cleveland while snoozing on defense. The … Continue reading BREAKING: Kyrie Irving Contracts Bed Bugs While Asleep on Defense

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Hot Takes

Non-Basketball-Related Reasons I Like or Dislike…James Harden

It seems like everybody hates James Harden, which really only makes me love him more. Because there’s something about him that feels so familiar. I mean, look at him. His disinterested manner. His cold, calculating, not-at-all-charming way of slacking off. That beard. James Harden is a Millennial by birth (1989). He’s an ultra-hateable Millennial hipster by behavior. So of course everyone dislikes this guy. No … Continue reading Non-Basketball-Related Reasons I Like or Dislike…James Harden

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News

Stan Van Gundy Fires Stan Van Gundy in Surprise Mid­season Move

DETROIT—After the Detroit Pistons head coach Stan Van Gundy made comments regarding the firing of former Cleveland Cavaliers’ head coach David Blatt, the general manager of the Pistons, Stan Van Gundy, was apparently not pleased with Van Gundy’s loyalty. “In my experience, it’s best for the head coach to focus on his coaching duty, and not worry about what goes on in the GM’s office,” Van Gundy stated … Continue reading Stan Van Gundy Fires Stan Van Gundy in Surprise Mid­season Move

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